We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
