They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
