There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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