my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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