Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Randomize
