So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
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You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
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I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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