I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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