she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
