Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
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But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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