i don't like sucking hair
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
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