i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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