I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
