Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
