I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
