Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
