when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
