the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
