4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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