remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
