Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
