i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
