New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is her dick bigger than yours?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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