my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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