i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
