In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
