I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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