don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
