I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
