My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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