end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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