New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
