I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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