the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
