yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
