Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
