In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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