I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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