I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
