Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
