I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
