Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
