I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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