im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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