I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
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I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
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"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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