What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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