Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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