Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Randomize
