I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
