3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Found the puke drawer
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
