it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
