Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
