Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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