She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
