ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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