I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
