I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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