this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
