life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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