You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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