Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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