I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
